Xiaolin News
by gjhkfud
Summary: Title is self explanatory. Felt like doing a new story, so here ya go! Happy Vday! Read and review PLEASE! Didnt plan on updating, but whatever
1. Chapter 1

Me: Live from the Xiaolin Temple, it's the Xiaolin News! The date is February 8, 2007!

With your anchorwoman, Kimiko Tohomiko!

_Shows Kimiko, sitting at a news table in a pink pants suit. She shuffles her flowered paper._

Kimiko: Good evening. I'm Kimiko Tohomiko, with—

Me: I've already covered that.

Kimiko: Oh. Well, we're here live—

Me: I've gotten that too.

Kimiko: Well, al_righty _then! I'm your anchor—

Me: For the love of Tom Cruise, just get on with the report!

Kimiko: Fine! Our top story today is of a tragic crash near the lair of Jack Spicer. With more on that, here's our field reporter, Raimundo Pedrosa. Raimundo?

_Camera switches to Raimundo, outside a half-flaming fire._

Raimundo: Thanks, Kim. I'm here live at the "secret" lair of Jack Spicer, evil boy "genius". You can tell by my air quotes that it's a self-proclaimed name. Here's a young woman by the name of Katnappe who witnessed this devastating crash.

_Gives microphone to Katnappe, whose cat suit is torn up and dirty._

Katnappe: Omigod, it was awful! Jacky….Jack….was flying one of his stupid air planess when suddenly, out of nowhere, this huge scaly monster thing came down on him! Both of them crashed into the building! It was terrible!

Raimundo: Now, are you _dating _alleged "Jack Spicer".

Katnappe: Why'd you put air quotes around Jack Spicer?

Raimundo: It's my shtick. Now, are you?

Katnappe: No!

Raimundo: Then why have we gotten numerous reports from witnesses of you two MAKING OUT!

_Dum Dum Duuuuuum._

Katnappe: _(stutters) _that wasn't me!

Raimundo: We have two pieces of evidence saying that you DID! One: Who else would date Jack Spicer?

Katnappe: Good point.

Raimundo: Second: We have a video of you two doing the nasty deed!

Katnappe: Gasp!

_Shows a video of Katnappe and Jack Spicer in his lair, making out like the Apocalypse was coming._

_Bum Bum Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!_

Katnappe: Well, I, er….

Me: Can we get not do this now!

Raimundo: Fine, don't have a cow, big mysterious voice! We'll drop the subject…._for now_.

Katnappe: Gulp.

_Raimundo ditches Katnappe and walks up to the flaming front door of the crash scene._

Raimundo: Police say that the accident was "accidental", but others say that Spicer was attacked by a demon of the scaled persuasion. Here's our DojoCam with a bird's-eye view of the accident scene.

_Zooms in with Dojo, in his big dragon form, hovering over the house._

Dojo: Thanks, Raimundo. Now, from what see here, they are ripping the roof off of the house, and you can see lots of burned-up stuff, some floor…Oooo, Cheese nips!

Me: (muttering) the people I work with…

Dojo: Oh my goodness! This is amazing! This is astounding! This is—

Kimiko: (camera suddenly switches back to her) Gonna have to wait, because it's time for our commercial break!

Me: What! We finally get somewhere with this report and you just—

_Kimiko tosses her papers behind her, walks away, and they flip to a commercial about foot cream. Then a preview for season 4 of Xiaolin Showdown (hey, a person can dream). Then two on the Food Channel. Then they're back to the report._

Kimiko: Hello, and welcome back to the Xiaolin News! I'm Kimiko Tohomiko, and before we left, Dojo was about to tell us about the crash at the lair of Jack Spicer--

_In the corner, a picture of Dojo appears. He's about to say something, but Kimiko interrupts him._

Kimiko: --but first, let's have a look at our weather man, Omi Crud! Omi?

Me: Oh, come on!

_Flips to screen with Omi next to a map of China._

Omi: Thank you, Kimiko. Now, put on your Two-Ton Tunic and Shroud of Shadows, because you can expect rain, and lots of it! And why? Because the Orb of Toranami is on the blitz! Seriously, my friends, it is freaking in!

Me: (correcting) Out.

Omi: My goodness, what did I do! All I did was do my job! Oh, sweet mercy, don't fire me!

Me: I—

_Back to Kimiko_

Kimiko: Alrighty then! Now, as for Dojo—

Dojo: (suddenly flying in from nowhere and smashing himself next to Kimiko) Thank—

Kimiko: --He'll have to wait, because it's time for our Sports Report! With more on that, here's Clay Bailey! Clay?

_Screen goes to Clay, outside a desert prairie. The land is all raised and gnarled behind him._

Clay: Thanks, Kim. Howdy, I'm here in good ol' Texas, where a Xiaolin Showdown is underway!

_A ball comes shooting past him, making his hat fall off and fly away._

Clay: Woo-wee! That's some—what a second, give me my hat, you dang nard yellow-belly…

_At Kimiko's desk_

Kimiko: Well, okay! Finally, let's finish up by seeing what Dojo and that big mysterious floating voice was whining about!

_At the house…_

Dojo: THANK you! Now, what you are about to witness is not for the squeamish, pregnant, or anyone who plans on eating ever again! Well, here it is! And remember, I am not liable for any lawsuits!

Me: Finally!

_The camera zooms in on a room in the house that is not engulfed in flames, and it shows—_

Kimiko: (throwing more papers in the air) Oh my god!

Clay: (stops chasing his hat) Holy Texas!

Omi: (tries controlling Orb of Toranami, which is flying everywhere) Sweet ghost of Dashi!

Raimundo: (drops microphone) Sweet Nancy Mustard!

Katnappe: That cheater!

_--Jack Spicer and Dyris the mermaid, in her pretty form, rolling around the room, making out._

Raimundo: Eew!

Kimiko: Nasty!

Omi: (pukes)

Clay: For once, I'm not hungry.

Kimiko: (covers mouth) Well….gulp….I guess that's….gag….it, oh I've gotta go!

_Kimiko runs off and begins hour-long hurling session. _

Me: Ah, karma. Well, that's all, folks! Adios! Ciao! Some other word for goodbye!


	2. Chapter 2

Me: Good evening, scumbags! This is the Xiaolin News, where we give you all that information that nobody else cares about! With more, here's our anchorwoman, Kimiko Tohomiko!

_Zoom into Kimiko, wearing Jonas Brothers T-shirt, red jeans, and a red blazer._

Kimiko: Thanks, Big Scary Voice. Now, our top story today is that…I GOT A NEW PUPPY!

_Holds out ugly little yappy dog._

Me: No, that's not it! We've been over this!

Kimiko: What do you have against my puppy?

Me: Nothing, I—

Kimiko: Puppy hater! She's a puppy hater! I bet she hates her mother too!

Live Audience: Boo!

Me: I do not hate the puppy, I'm just saying—

Kimiko: That you are a hater of puppies!

Me: I do not hate the freakin puppy!

Kimiko: Off with her head! Sic her, Fluffernut!

_Fluffernut yaps like death._

Me: But….you….Fluffer….WHATEVER! The top story today is NOT that Kimiko got a new puppy! It's of the disappearance of a woman who goes by the name of Wuya. With more on that—

Kimiko: Please, Big Scary Voice, let ME do my job. With more on that, here's our dog-friendly reporter, Raimundo Pedrosa. Raimundo?

_Zooms in on Raimundo, who's standing outside Chase Young's lair._

Raimundo: Thanks, Kim. I'm here live at the place that the italicized caption above my line just said. A woman known as Wuya has been labeled missing since this morning. Friends of Miss Wuya said that she was behaving normally the night before, i.e. plotting to overthrow the universe, plus Canada. The palace behind me is where Wuya and her boyfriend Chase Young.

_Holds microphone up to Chase, in human form._

Chase: First of all, she is not my girlfriend.

Raimundo: Than why are you living together?

Chase: It was merely temporary, until Wuya could break in her new body.

Raimundo: In other words, she's your girlfriend.

Chase: Is not! Can we just get on with the case?

Raimundo: Why, you miss your tonsil-hockey partner?

Me: Raimundo…

Raimundo: Alright, yeesh! So Chase, when did you last see Wuya?

Chase: Well, last night, when we were plotting our overthrow of Canada's government—

_Kimiko's box appears._

Kimiko: Oooo, sounds romantic!

Raimundo: Will you get outta here!

_Reaches out and pushes Kimiko's box off screen._

Chase: ANYway, when she said she was going to bed. I said fine, and she went into our—her—uh…

Live Audience: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Raimundo: (whistles)

Chase: I mean—uh…

Me: AAAAAAARG!

Raimundo: ALL RIGHT!!! God, your temper's worse than—

_Kimiko's box appears._

Kimiko: WHO!?!?!?!?!??!

Me: For Pete's sake, get a hold of yourselves!

_Me, Kimiko, and Raimundo argue indistinctively. Fluffernut yaps. Dojo slithers up onto Kimiko's desk._

Dojo: Uh…yeah. I guess we'll flip to commercial until these guys calm down a bit. (_Looks at Kimiko's commercial break speech_) I'm Kimiko Tohomiko, signing off. Flip hair attractively and smile. (_Realizes what he just said, flips head to the side and smiles like a lunatic_)

_Commercial for chicken wings, Raimundo's Surfboard Wax, Kimiko's electronic hair spray, and Wuya's Crow's Feet Be Gone._

Me: I wouldn't recommend that hair spray.

Kimiko: Or the Crow's Feet stuff.

Me: Anyway, let's get back to the report. Now, our top investigators are working hard to find this wrinkly old prune.

Chase: She's not wrinkly! Don't call my Tweety-bird that. Oooo…I mean—

Everyone: (laughs and yells) TWEETY-BIRD!

Kimiko: O-k! Let's go to Omi with (chortles) the weather! Omi?

_Zooms into Omi in front of a burnt-up map. He is trying to put it back up._

Omi: Uh…thank you, Kimiko. I seem to be having accidentally burnt the weather map with the Eye of— (pokes an area that's still hot) OW!—Dashi. But, uh, it'll be…OH!—as you can see by this blackened piece of Wisconsin—OW!!!!! Okay, fine, it's gonna be really, really hot! Back to you, Kimiko!

_As Omi starts wrestling with the string holding the smoldered map up, camera zooms back to Kimiko._

Kimiko: Thanks, Opi! I mean, Omi. Now, all you Showdown-lovin folks from down south, here's our Texan sports reporter, Clay Bailey!

_Zooms in on Clay, who's in the middle of an ice arena. Wind is loud, he has to yell._

Clay: (yelling) THANKS, KIM! I'M HERE LIVE IN THE NORTH POLE, WHERE A SHOWDOWN IS UNDERWAY! (wind stops) IT'S BETWEEN—oh. My bad. Anyway, it's between Katnappe and Jack Spicer, due to the little…uh…situation that occurred last week. Let's watch.

_Zooms in on ice arena, where Katnappe is beating up Jack. Dyris is cheering from a hole in the ice on the side._

Katnappe: (blows punch in Jack's face) CHEATER!

Jack: (whimpering) It wasn't my fault! She kissed me!

Dyris: GO, JACKY!

Katnappe: (screaming) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! (blows another punch)

Dyris: Come on, Jacky, get up and fight! Come on, it's just a couple broken bones! Be a man!

_Jack falls unconscious on the ice. Arena shrinks and paramedics come and pull Jack away. Dyris follows from under the ice, and Katnappe walks away with a grin._

Me: O…k. Oh, wait…we've got a break through with the Wuya case! Here's our Dojo cam with the update!

_Zooms in on Dojo, who's hovering by the case scene._

Dojo: Let's see now, we've got some rope…pieces of a bat…OH MY GOSH!

Kimiko and Me: What? What?

Dojo: The y found Wuya—

Me: That's great!

Dojo:—in the tub. Naked.

_Camera zooms in on two men helping Wuya out of…out of…this job ain't worth it! I quite! It didn't get this ugly when I worked as a wrestler's agent!_

Me: Ugh…not even the caption guy could take it! I wonder what's so—OH MY GOSH! MY EYES! SWEET LORD OF MERCY!

Kimiko: (faints)

Raimundo: Hold the elevator, Caption Dude! (drops microphone and runs off)

Omi: Oh, my. What's that— (My giant hand comes out from the sky and covers his mouth)

Clay: I've seen shaved cows better looking than that!

Chase: It's not like I've never—I mean—DANG IT! (runs off in embarrassment)

Me: I quiet!

_Bonjour, I am ze new Caption Guy, Pierre. I am narrating this because everyone else has run away screaming. I do not know why, maybe they have seen ze—OH MY GOODNESS! You filthy Americans disgust me! I spit in your direction!_

(caption guy runs off, heading back to France. Wuya enters empty news room, putting on robe)

Wuya: What's going on?

(Chase enters and puts arm around her)

Chase: I don't know, babe, but let's get outta here.

(Leans in to Wuya and--)

**CENSORED, TOO GROSS FOR THE YOUNG, OLD, OR ANYONE WHO PLANS ON EATING EVER AGAIN. TRUST ME.**


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Any OCs from any FF stories mentioned in this chapter are NOT mine! I have asked permission from the authors to mention there characters.

Me: Hola, Mi Amigos! You're watching…THE XIAOLIN NE-E-E-E-EWS!

Raimundo's box pops up.

Raimundo: Cool it, God. We're not that exciting.

Me: Let a sista have her moment, bro. Where's the love? (pounds fist on chest twice and holds up peace sign).

Raimundo leaves.

Me: ANYWAY! Here's your anchorwomen, Kimiko Tohomiko!

Kimiko at news desk, shuffling papers. She is wearing a fine ensemble of corduroy capris and a flowery, tight tank top. Her hair is swept into a pink-and-purple ponytail held up by a Hal E. Toesis original from his fall line_. Bravo, Kim, you work it!_

Me: Okay, who hired the new girl!?!

_Everyone shrugs. Ohhhh, Raimundo is wearing a black flannel shirt over a white shirt, I see. Extra points for the hottie!_

Me: Moving on…

Kimiko: The news story for today is that—oh, by the way, I got my hair done by someone named Kat N. Appe. She works wonders, no?

_Notices grenade shoved into huge puffy ponytail._

Kimiko: I know, stay on subject, I got it, Voice from Beyond.

Me: (mumbling) Great, the one time she listens to me…

Kimiko: Anyway, today's news is of a Fanfiction pile-up! Thousands of stories were lost! On the scene is Raimundo Pedrosa. Raimundo?

_Shows Raimundo standing on Fanfiction homepage._

Raimundo: Thanks, Kim. I'm here on the scene of a devastating story pile-up, where thousands of stories, such as Jinxy Binxy and Ku-Ku Tuckahoe, were lost. Oh, look, here are some story characters now! These are some of the lucky survivors.

_Shows Rin, Keiji, and Amaya from Xiaolin Interviews._

Raimundo: These young talk-show hosts only suffered minor injuries, thankfully. Others, though, were not so lucky.

_Shows a limping and broken younger sister of Raimundo, Tamara, from Tamara's Power._

Raimundo: Mom and Dad are gonna give her an earful at home, that's for sure. According to officials, she keeps coughing up blood.

_Tamara coughs up the words 'cough' 'blood' and 'teeth'._

Me: Ew…

Raimundo: Even though this accident was at the front page of the Xiaolin Showdown story section, others, such as the older Xiaolin Fanfic stories, and stories in other genres, are anxious.

_Holds microphone to very old story community Nikki from The Great Freakin Magical War._

Nikki: It was so scary, hearing about the crash. Like, you can never feel safe in your own page, ya know?

_Hold mic to Hannah Montana of Secret Celebrity, of the Hannah Montana category._

Hannah: I know this happened, like, way away from my neck of the woods, but still, makes you think, 'Anyone could be next'. I couldn't imagine Futurama going belly-up.

_Brings mic back._

Raimundo: Tragic. We'll have more later on this, but for now, let's go back to Kimiko.

_Go over to Kimiko, who is holding a mirror and plucking something from her nose. She sees the camera and quickly tosses it over her shoulder._

Kimiko: Uh…sniffle…thanks, Rai. Um…let's go over to our weatherman, Omi!

_To Omi, holding the Canon Blaster up and looking around nervously._

Omi: Oh, um, hello, viewers! It seems that we've had a little accident with the Heylin seed. It, um, kinda got out. Again. But not to fear! I'm handling it!

Me: We're toast.

Omi: You do not look crispy to me?

Me: We're worst then toast. We're the burnt stuff you scrape off of toast!

Omi: That sounds most unpleasant.

Me: (cups face in hands).

_A large green hand comes up to Omi, grabs him by the waist, and starts tugging him away. He grabs onto the wall._

Omi: Get your stinkin paws off me, ya dirty plant! Um…ack!...that's the weather, so, um…ouch!...back to yo-o-o-ou!

_Omi disappears. Kimiko's box comes up, showing her doing the weird nose hair thing._

Kimiko: Come on! Here's the sports report with Clay Bailey. And Clay, take longer this time!

_Zooms into Clay, who is standing outside of an arena underwater. He's in a tacky polyester wet suit with a terribly clashing green—_

Me: Alright, let me do it! He's hosting a Showdown underwater!

Clay: (bubbles) Thanks, Erika. I—

Me: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME!?!

Clay: (bubbles) Isn't it obvious?

Me: NOBODY, in the entire three chapters of this story, has EVER guessed my name! They just call me Big Scary Voice!

Clay: You just sound like an Erika.

Me: But…eh…you…voice…AUGH! We'll pick up on that later!

Clay: Fine. Well, howdy, folks! I'm here live somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, where Dyris the Evil Mermaid is battling long-time nemesis Katnappe. They are currently fighting over the love of Jack Spicer. Why? We may never know. Let's watch.

_Moves to the side to see Dyris floating around, staring down a Gills of Hibachi-wearing Katnappe. They are both bruised up bad._

Katnappe: (throws punch) He's mine!

Dyris: (tail-kicks) face it, Kitty Kitty Bang Bang! He's moved on to bigger and better things!

Katnappe: TAKE THAT BACK, BLONDEWAD!

_Scratches Dyris across the face. Blood streams out and floats around them. _

Me: Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum—bum bum!

Katnappe: Why's she doing that?

Me: There's blood everywhere. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuum—bum bum!

Dyris: So?

Me: Have you ever even _seen _Jaws?

Katnappe and Dyris: No.

Me: Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, BUM, BUM-BUUUUUUUUUUUUM!

_Just then, a shark, sniffing up the blood, comes bulleting towards them. He passes in front of them, and when he leaves, the girls are gone._

Me: (in a sing-song voice) told ya!

Clay: (bubbles) uh, guess that wraps up my sport's report. Back to you, Kimiko!

_Zooms back to Kimiko, who has thankfully gotten over her little nose problem._

Kimiko: Thanks, Clay! Just in time, too! We've just got an update on the Fanfiction pile-up. With more on that, it's our Guy in the Sky, Dojo Kanojo Cho!

_Shows Dojo hovering over the Fanfiction Xiaolin Showdown page. Paramedics, made from the keys $, &, and , are assembled around a surviving story character._

Dojo: The paramedics have found another survivor! Let's see if we can spot him.

_Zooms down closer, until spotted was Dylan, from Keeping a Secret. Raimundo rushes up, panting, to him and shoves a mic in his face._

Raimundo: Dylan (pant) would you mind (cough) telling us how you ended up here? (Hack) I've been told you're part of the old phylum (wheeze).

Dylan: (moans) well, see, I was called out for a current story, as a guest star, and was on my way up when the crash happened. I was buried in a pile of Mantis Flip Coins and Third-Arm Sashes.

Raimundo: And what story were you called upon, might I ask?

Dylan: Something called Seymour Asses. By the way, have you seen that story?

Raimundo: (muffled laughter) uh…no, dude, sorry. Must still be, um, (snorts) missing…

Dylan: Alright. Keep me updated, will ya?

Dojo: (giggles) uh…sure, Dylan, no (lets out laugh) problem!

_Dylan walks away. Raimundo and Dojo burst out laughing._

Me: What did you runts do!?!

Raimundo: (laughs) nothing! Sheesh, you're paranoid!

_Dojo chuckles and mutters 'That's good, that's good…'_

Me: Moving right along, let's get back to Kimiko Tohomiko.

_Zooms to Kimiko, who is scratching the back of her head like hell._

Kimiko: Uh, could we do this later, maybe? I got this terrible itch at the back of my head!

_Suddenly, a box appears at the corner of the screen. It is of Dyris and Katnappe sitting a dark, cramped space that looks like a stomach._

Katnappe: That's because I put a hand grenade in your clip, you ditzo!

Kimiko: What!?!

_Yanks grenade out and screams. Raimundo's box pops up. She throws it at his box and he catches it._

Raimundo: I don't want it!

_Throws it at Omi's box._

Omi: Neither do I!

_Throws to Clay's box._

Clay: What makes you think I'd want it, ya little melon!

_Throws it to Hannah Montana._

Hannah: I have too many fans to die!

_Throws it to Nikki._

Nikki: I'm a witch, for Pete's sake! I could come back to life and kill you all!

_Throws to Katnappe and Dyris. Katnappe holds it up proudly._

Katnappe: We win!

_Grenade starts beeping._

Dyris: Uh-oh.

_The grenade explodes, making a cloud of red block the box. It eventually clicks off._

Kimiko: Eh, better them than us!

Raimundo: Word.

Me: Well, I guess that's it…then…Clay, how did you know my name!?!

_Viewer holds up remote to TV._

Kimiko: No!

Raimundo: We've got more!

Dojo: Don't press it you son of a—

_Click. _


	4. Chapter 4

A\N This is a very hostile, screaming chapter. Approach with caution and do not cross the yellow tape. PS The Xiaolin News is now in SMELLO-VISION! When the screen tells you, put on your 3-D nose and enjoy the vomit-endorsing smells of the cartoon world!

Me: Hello, my adoring public! I am commonly known as Big Creepy Voice from Above and NOT Erika in anyway (Clay) and I'd like to mention to anyone who think's I'm Erika (Clay) that I am, in fact, NOT Erika (Clay). Not to point fingers (Clay) but I believe this is an unjust accusation (Clay) and the person saying these things (Clay) should stop (Clay) before I do something to said person (Clay). I know you do not believe in, say, fighting a girl (Not that I am CLAY), but I bet you believe in power saws, and I bet you believe that I have one, and I bet you believe I know where your Texas Butt-head is (Clay, Clay, Clay, CLAY, CLAY!). Coughs Uh, well, anyway, this is the Xiaolin News! perky smile, I am not guilty of murder smile, keep smiling…

Kimiko: You just said that out loud.

Me: NO I DIDN'T!

Kimiko: Yes, you—

Me: Here's you're nice, attractive, currently with her right-arranged face (but that could change…you know how these freak accidents can happen…)

Kimiko: Um, well…yeah, I'm just gonna go on ahead with the news…and whatnot cough, cough, faces audience. Hello, I'm Kimiko Tohomiko with your Xiaolin News at five. Our top story is of a devastating hurricane in east-side Xiaolin Manhattan. You're wondering how a hurricane can appear in Manhattan. Well, THIS IS A STORY, YOU DILLHOLE! WHAT'DYO EXCPECT, SKIPPING PAINSIES!?! clears throat Anyway, on the scene is our field reporter, Raimundo Won't-go-out-with-me Pedrosa. WHY NOT, RAI! HAVE YOU _SEEN _MY BUTT!?!

_Zooms in on Raimundo, clutching a banana tree while a whistling wind blows him around._

Raimundo: YES I HAVE, KIMIKO! IT HAUNTS ME TO THIS DAY! HI, I'M RAIMUNDO PEDROSA, HERE AT THE SCENE OF THE HURRICANE, WHICH IN RETROSPECT ISN'T ALL THAT SMART, CONSIDERING IT'S STILL BLOWING! I BLAME RAP MUSIC. OH, LOOK. HERE'S SOME PEOPLE WHO LOOK SLIGHTLING INTERESTING. MAYBE THEY WON'T HIT ME!

_STICKS MICROPHONE IN—sorry, in faces of two teenagers, a pre-teenish girl who looks like poop, and a little boy. They have just joined Raimundo on the tree._

Poop-girl, Defender of All Things Turdy: GET THAT OUTTA MY FACE, WANKER!

RAIMUNDO: I JUST WANTED AN INTERVIEW!

Teenage Boy: IN THE MIDDLE OF A HURRICANE!?! DUDE!

Boy: WANNA KNOW WHAT JILL AND BOBART WERE DOING LAST NIGHT?

PGDOATT: I THINK WE ALL DO!

Teenage Girl: NO WE DON'T!

Raimundo: I DO!

PGDOATT: DO IT AND I'LL GET YOU A BIKE!

Teenage boy: WE'LL GET YOU A BIKE AND A GI JOE!

PGDOATT: BIKE, JOE, AND CANDY!

Teenage girl: BIKE, JOE, CANDY, AND A SKIRT!

Boy: Skirt, you say…

Raimundo: WHAT!?!

_Boy turns to Our Turdiness._

Boy: WHAT ELSE YOU GOT!?!

The Royal Turd: BIKE, JOE, CANDY, SKIRT, AND MATCHING PUMPS!

Teenage Girl: WHATEVER SHE SAID, PLUS A MONKEY.

Teenage Boy: A MONKEY!

Raimundo: MONKEY'S ARE AWESOME, MAN!

Me: This is going nowhere. Let's move to SPORTS with—

_Kimiko throws cumquat at me._

Kimiko:--Clay Bailey!

_Zooms in on local dump. For full experience, please put on 3-D NOSES!_

Kimiko: Where's Clay?

Me: shifts eyes I dunno…

Kimiko: I'm thinking you do…

Me: Nuh-uh.

Kimiko: Yuh-huh.

Me: Look, we can waste time blaming people who are me, or we can blame people who aren't me. How bout Raimundo? He's looking pretty suspicious.

_Raimundo continues to argue with the kids. He looses his grip and flies with the wind out of sight._

Me: He's a bad seed, man…

Kimiko: I'm supposed to be the ditzy one, dude! Get your own thing!

Me: Why don't you, Cincinnati!?!

Kimiko: I'm from TOKYO! Cincinnati isn't even in Japan!

Me: See! You're SO much better fit to be the smart one!

_Kimiko rolls eyes._

Me: See! You even got the sarcastic eye-rolling down!

Kimiko: You never roll your eyes!

Me: That you can see. Do you even know what I look like?

Kimiko: Uh…well…you got a mouth, I'm pretty sure of that!

Me: Or what I do for a living!

Kimiko: How could I!?! You never talk about your life!

Me: Well…nobody seemed interested…

Kimiko: --

Me: Keep talking and I'll plague you!

Kimiko: You can't do that!

Me: I'm the author, I can do whatever I damn-well please!

_Omi pops out of nowhere and jabs finger at sky._

Omi: Erika cussed!

Me: BIG CREEPY VOICE FROM BEYOND!

_Omi pops away, I'm guessing where ever Clay is…_

Me: Clay's fine!

_Obviously lying, Erika---_

Kimiko: Where'd the caption go?

Me: Coffee break.

Kimiko: But—

Me: COFFEE BREAK! He went on a COFFEE BREAK!

Kimiko: But—

Me: Would you too like to go on a COFFEE BREAK!?!

Kimiko: Uh…

Me: (eye twitches).

Kimiko: No, thank you…

_Dojo-cam joins Kimiko. Hi, I'm Kim!_

Dojo: that's weird, I just saw Clay dangling from a stick on the sun. And Raimundo, and Omi, and the caption guy…

_Dojo pops away._

Me: (clucks) Now, where did that darn lizard scamper off to!?!

Kimiko: I'm scared…

Me: DON'T BE! Let's watch some sports!

_Clay's box is empty._

Me: How bout we check back in on the hurricane!

_The tree is deserted, the strange children clinging to a tree elsewhere._

Me: Weather?

_Omi's chart, now half-frozen by the Lunar Locket, is empty. The four kids pop up._

Turd Girl: We ain't strange kids!

Teenage Girl: Yeah, we're sitcom stars!

Teenage Boy: I'm Dylan!

Boy: I'm Robbie!

Turd Girl: I'm Jennifer!

Teenage Girl: I'm Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk-arman!

Jennifer: What's with the rolling?

Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk-arman: I'm trying it out. Hit it!

_One, two, three, four…_

_Their cookie!_

_Their wacky!_

_Their crazy!_

_Their tacky!_

_Their just li-i-i-i-ike you—_

_Ecxept-they-are-orphans-living-together-in-a-South-Florida-condo-with-their-landlord-Tim-and-his-dog-Nuttercake-and-they-do-stuff-you-probably-wouldn't-do-and-not-get-arrested-for-like-that-time-they-set-the-school-onfire-because-their-teacher-Mrs. Fluff-told-everyone-to-read-Dr. Suess-yeah-that-was-awesome-man-well-actually-we-think-it-was-fluff-it-actually-could've-been-Mrs. Votkan-or-maybe-Mrs.Robeson-we're-not-even-sure-she-was-married-we-never-saw-a-ring-or-any-pictures-on-her-desk-that's-just-what-she-wrote-on-the-board-you-know-what-it-could've-even-be-a-man-teacher-we're-not-sure-that-was-in-like-season-one-and-now-it's-like-season-four-anyway-we-should-get-on-with-the-song-I-guess._

_It's the wacky orphan—_

_Wacky-orphan—_

_Wacky Orphan—_

_Shooo-OOO-oow!_

_On today's episode—_

Me: Can we not do this now!?!

Robbie: Why?

Me: We're doing a news thing!

Dylan: I don't see anyone else.

_Looks around. Erika forgot she had—uh—sent Kimiko for some coffee while Hilary Duff ranted about orphans._

Me: Uh…well…I guess that's it, enjoy the Wacky orphan show!

_Clay, Raimundo, Omi, Kimiko, Dojo, and the caption guy come barreling in. They are badly burnt._

Kimiko: That wasn't even cool, man!

Raimundo: What I do!?! I just fell off the friggin tree!

Clay: I wasn't even in this chapter!

Omi: Raimundo cussed!

Raimundo: You can send him back, if you want.

A\N Sorry for the lame chapter.


	5. Chapter 5

Me: laughs Ho-ho, George Lopez, you sure do got this! Ho-ho-ho—

And welcome to the Xiaolin News, I'm the floating voice. With your anchorman, Kimiko Tohomiko!

Kimiko: shuffles papers Hello, I'm—not a boy, what do you mean anchorman! I'm a girl!

Me: Okay.

Kimiko: My mom made me get this haircut! Welcome to the Xiaolin News at five, I'm Kimiko Tohomiko!

Me: It's six.

Random fan: Erika, you must be losing your muse, man! This isn't funny at all!

Me: This is steps on crack, breaks fan's mother's back

Random Fan: Not cool, man!

Kimiko: Get a job, ya dang Hippie!

Random fan: I can't afford a haircut! cries and runs away to aid his illin mother

Kimiko: Today's story is of an evil plan gone sour than…uh…

Clay: box appears Then milk in July?

Kimiko: Sure, okay. The metaphorical styling's of Clay Bailey, everyone!

(Applause and cheers. A bra lands on Clay's hat).

Kimiko: Anyway, today's top story is of a—MURDER!

Katnappe screams

Kimiko: Sorry, I sneezed. It's actually a pet napping story.

_Boooooooo---hisssssssss---that's not news!_

Kimiko: It is too! It's Fluffernut that's gone!

_Bum bum bu--_

Raimundo: So? Nobody likes that cat!

Kimiko: She's a dog!

Raimundo: Really?

Kimiko: MEAN!

_Throws random Statue of Liberty model at him. I am not a supporter of any pairings of the Xiaolin Showdown world. Please don't hurt me._

Me: (looks up from Stars magazine) What's up with Flavor Flav? If he were any smaller and browner Brad and Angelina would wanna adopt him!

Raimundo: That was a good burn, man!

Kimiko: I'm writing that one down!

Me: Moving right along, the REAL news is of something outside of Fanfiction--

Kimiko: There's nothing outside of Fanfiction! Balderdash!

Me: You don't know about it because you, Kimiko number 555555668746646345434356439329656592645626966558463865436358369832626969468688888, were born here.

Kimiko: Aren't I the original Kimiko?

Me: You were shaped out of the original Kimiko, but do you know how many times Kimiko has been included in stories? They just started numbering them. And you're number 5555556687--

Kimiko: Dang it!

Me: Anyway, the real news is that I, PigXiaolin101, am gong for a printer to go with my new laptop for Hanukah!

Raimundo: What's Hanukah?

Me: Well, kids, Hanukah is a magical time of year where the Hanukah Fairy kicks Santa's white ass!

Omi: Really? Tell me more!

Me: Gladly! During Hanukah, you get presents for eight days! That's right, eight! And why would you wanna waste the days before Christmas decorating, when you can spend the days before Hanukah playing dradle and eating potato pancakes! That's right, because all you need is your Menorah and your Yamikah! Let's sing about it!

Kimiko, Raimundo ,and Random Children's voices: OKAY!

_Put on your Yamikah! It's time for Hanukah! La de de da doo da--_

Producer: This is no time to educate children on diversity! We have minds to smush! Need I replace you with Wuya?

Kimiko: (high pitched scream)!

Raimundo: Damn, girl!

_Clay comes in drinking from a beer can and a cigarette. _

Clay: Sup?

Raimundo: Dude, you're an alcoholic or something.

Clay: (throws up) Am not! I only drink on the days that have an 'a' in them!

Kimiko: Everyday has an 'a'!

Clay: Nuh-uh! What about 'Thisisadaytheauthormadeupsogosuckit'?

Raimundo: Please, that day was _made_ for boozing!

Omi: can I do the weather now? This is, like, the first day of my career some running gag hasn't been around!

_A Chimichanga-armed Wocky jumps out from behind the green screen and screams._

Omi: Oh, _that's _convenient!

Kimiko: Yew, Wuya and Chase were doing it in the broom closet!

Raimundo: That's where I express my inner angst via diary!

_Voices mesh together to make pure noise and unpleasantness. Freezes and appears on smaller TV on a set. Host of 20\20 walks out._

Elizabeth Vargas: How do you turn a simple one-shot fan fiction story into a five-chapter work of madness? How do you turn a simple cartoon into an R-rated piece of trash with booze, sex, cursing, and the wonder of Hanukah? Why do all my sentences end with question marks? I'm Elizabeth Vargas, with 20\20 investigates.

A\N-Excuse the ultra-lame chapter, but I'm running out of ideas. So get over it.


End file.
